I miss long walks - walking just to walk, walking to get places because I didn't have a car (this was loooong ago), walking to visit a friend. Now I walk "for exercise" and I allot myself 30 minutes max. I have to fit these walks in between ironing, work, cleaning, work, cooking, work and work.

I miss living with a large family. Yeah, they were always there and noisy to boot but, sometimes, we had a lot of fun.

I miss free time. Nuff said.

I miss playing the guitar. I miss having time to practice all my instruments.

I miss the me I was at 12 and at 26, even at 30. I was full of hope and the world lay before me. Now that I've passed half a century, the world stills lies before me but traveling is slower and arthritis slows me down.

Once I was skinny. I miss that, too.

Things I miss:

I miss the huge fir tree in our neighbor's back yard. It shaded our yard so that nothing would grow and it shed cones and branches every time the wind blew. But it roared in storms and it sheltered owls and bats. I was glad to see it go. But now I miss it.
I miss my mother-in-law. She didn't like me much for at least 20 years. She criticized almost everything my husband and I did. But then she grew older and more mellow and she was a support and a friend. Now she's gone and I miss her.
Having a dog - I miss that. Not enough to run out and adopt one though. I miss having her greet me when we came home. I miss feeling safe when my husband was away at night, knowing that the dog was there to bark and growl. I miss hearing her flop down on the rug with a hearty sigh. Dogs are good. I miss ours.
I miss having a child in the house. I miss spontaneous laughter because kids find things immensely amusing. I miss playing. Grown-ups forget how to do that. I miss sharing deep thoughts and being amazed and humbled by just how deep a child's thoughts can be. I miss having someone to sing with and jam with in the kitchen. He just got married and I miss the child that he was.

More things I miss in another post.

I think that weddings, and other "rites of passage" like Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and Graduations, are designed to make sure that people cannot think of anything else for weeks at a time. If your brain is completely taken up with flower arrangements and catering and color swatches, etc., there's no way you can do anything that will disrupt the status quo. Revolutions have been stalled by wedding invitations. "Oh, sorry, I can't overthrow the government THAT weekend. My son is getting married." Inventions were conceived and then forgotten because someone had to deal with the parking problem.
Fortunes that could have been made by investing that extra thousand are lost because the cousin who promised to take pictures had a skiing accident and is in traction.
It's part of the "Keep people busy and in debt" strategy of Big Business (you can tell that Big Business is Sinister because I am using capital "B"s) and Big Business's counterparts, Organized Religion and the (dum dum DUM...) Military - Industrial Complex.
Yep, you THINK it's just your graduation but it's really part of an Evil Plot. There's my Random Thought of the Day.

Thomson Gale, a publisher of non-fiction and reference titles, held a GREAT contest. They invited librarians and library lovers everywhere to submit videos to the following site on YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/groups_videos?name=LIBRAREO. The contest got over 140 submissions. Now some of them are just cheerleading for libraries. Some of them are - well - amateurish but some of them are superb. YouTube also highlights other library videos. Check out Betty Glover's Library Fitness video. It's a bit insulting to librarians, especially academic librarians but it's funny! I wonder when it was made because it looks pretty darn 80's.
BEA tomorrow - Well actually today, tomorrow and Sunday but I'm making my yearly pilgrimage tomorrow. I can NOT wait. BookExpo is the BEST thing a book lover like me can do. Check out Book Expo's website - www.bookexpoamerica.com - to see a tiny little bit of what I'm talking about. Authors, books, and freebies - oh yeaaah!

Lloyd Alexander died this morning - May 17th, 2007 - at the age of 83. Fflewdur Fflam will learn to play the harp at last. Farewell to the creator of Prydain, Holly Vesper and the adventurers of Westmark. Tomorrow I will wear black.

So much has happened since I last blogged that I feel like a different person. In fact, my life has changed; my world has shifted. Someone who has been a part of my daily life for the past thirty-five years has died. I have been so lucky not to have lost a parent or a sibling or a close, close friend. I've lost aunts and a good friend and grandparents. But, when my husband's mother died three weeks ago, I got a foreshadowing of what will happen when my parents go. I'm not looking forward to it.

We only saw Mom M. every 3 or 4 weeks. But in the month before her death we talked to her 5 or 6 times a day. My husband visited her - a 3 hour trip each way - every two or three days. And then, it was over. She was alert to the end. She died of old age - 95 and worn out but aware until the last few hours of her life.

I am surprised to find how often I thought of my mother-in-law during the day. I find a recipe and wonder if Mom M. would like this. The phone rings and I think that it's Mom M. calling. I find something she gave me. I read a poem she liked, read a story in the newspaper. Because she is no longer here, I notice these fleeting thoughts. But I must have had them every day because they percolate so frequently.

I last posted 8 days before her death so you already know about my bout with ear infections again. Guess what? Side effects of two medications I take daily include ear and sinus infections. Mayhap, I should change my meds.

Enough about me. I finally read "Terrier" by Tamora Pierce. WhooHoo! That Tammie can write a fine fantastic police procedural. Beka Cooper has made it into the Guards in ancient Tortall. She's a first year, or "puppy" and she is being trained by the best two officers in the city. Pierce's descriptions of Corus, the capital city of Tortall, the social strata there and the customs of the common folk are seamless. She's a master at giving you information that you need without making you feel like you're being lectured. You learn some of the stuff along with Beka and the rest is just described. There is a full glossary and list of characters in the back of the book if you get confused.

Beka, her patron, Lord Gershon, and her trainers are chasing two extremely evil murderers. One criminal is kidnapping and killing children, demanding the small treasures of the poor and not so poor. Those who pay the ransom get their child back. Those who don't never see the child again. Beka's ability to hear the ghosts carried by the pigeons of Corus alerts her to the extent of this criminal's murders. Other ghosts tell her of men who are hired to dig a well and are poisoned or bludgeoned. Fortunately for Beka, there are complaints of missing children and men and her patron and trainers believe in her abilities. Pierce makes these fantastic talents believable as well.

Besides Beka and her trainers, there are the friends she makes among the people who hang out in the Rogue's court. And there's Pounce. Wait til you meet Pounce! All in all, this is a totally satisfying adventure and since it is subtitled Book One, I certainly hope there will be more books about Beka Cooper.

A good book is a blessing, a vacation, a relief. I took "Terrier" on vacation with me last week. Since I have had trouble sleeping since Mom M.'s death, "Terrier" kept me company while my husband slept. I felt comforted and alive and ready to write again after reading for awhile. More books, please!

Keep reading.

I just visited a friend whose child took his own life three weeks ago. I returned to the library to do a storytime and now I feel guilty for feeling lucky! My overwhelming feeling after seeing my friend was that I wished the clock could fly backward and this tragedy could be averted but under that was a feeling of, phew! My son is still alive.

So listen to me, anyone reading this. If your life is so black and awful that you think the world will be better off without you - YOU ARE WRONG!!!! Someone will miss you with a pain so all encompassing that their days will be hell on earth. And not just one person either. Talk to someone. Tell someone. Keep talking to people about your pain until you find someone to help you.

And tell the people you love that you love them every chance you get. Bye now, I have a phone call or two to make.