Sometime Selfies

What day is it? Did I miss the whole weekend? When our schedules are turned upside down, it is easy to lose track of the days.

Sunday came and went and no selfie from me. But, I have the same excuse we all have. So here is my Someday Selfie.

I have been staying up way too late. After midnight, one night last week, I heard a train whistle off in the distance.

It was a soft whistle a mile or so away. It was so soft that the only time I would ever hear those late night wails is on a night when I could not sleep.



We lived about 1/10th of a mile away from the train tracks as I was growing up. The trains ran more frequently back then but they rarely woke me up. Kids can sleep through anuthing once they get used to it.

When the train whistle did wake me up,  the cars creaked and crashed as they made their away around the gentle bend at the end of the park.

The train's horn sent me messages back then - and now. Sometimes the messages were forlorn, the way train whistles are often imagined. Other times, as I lay safe in my bed, the train sang out, "Love to you! Love to you!

Love to my mother who still lives in that house on the side of the hill.
Love to my brothers and sisters who heard their own messages when the whistle blew.
Love to my husband as he sleeps soundly through the train's soft wail.
Love to my son, my daughter-in-law and my granddaughter who live close to another segment of that same track.

Love to all those who are gone, or far away, or out of touch. Love to everyone sheltering in place, close but out of reach.

The train I heard the other night sang another song. It wailed "Soon!" "Soon!"

Soon, the engineer and the brakeman will get home to their famiies.

Soon, the train and all of its cars will rest in the train yard.

Soon, the packages, or cows, railings, or gravel, or people - soon, they will get to wherever they are headed.

Soon, a train load of good health will roll our way. We need to be patient. We need to be ready. Soon, friends and loved ones, we will hug each other again. Stay safe. Stay at home. Stay well.

Listen to the train...."Love to youuuuuuuu!"

 

Just read the BEST book - Weekly Book Review

Bad news: The Kutztown University Children's Literature Conference has been canceled. I am NOT HAPPY about that but there are books to read.

When the yearly Book Awards were announced by the ALA, this title showed up in the Honors. I never heard of it. I never read a review of it. But! Oh! My! This book is so good.

Scary Stories for Young Foxes by Christian McKay Heidegger, with illustrations by Junji Wu, gives an insder's view of what might turn a fox kit's blood to ice.  As a family of kits listen to an old fox tell scary stories, we learn of Mia and Uly, two kits who are separated from their families in horrible - for foxes - ways.  The short stories are cautionary as well as terrifying. One brave kit makes it through ALL the stories. Will you?

I made a book review video because that is what we do when we must stay confined to our homes. Those of us who can play instruments are playing beautiful music. Me, I review books.

BTW, the first book I mention on this video was so good!  The book is chock full of historical details about the silent film business, for us adult readers, and LOTS of adventure for younger readers.

Also, in my preview of Astronuts:Mission 2; The Water Planet, the book by Jon Scieszka, at the end I say it's by Steven Weinberg - Steven Weinberg is the illustrator.

Thanks for stopping by. Stay well. If you can, please stick close to home. If you must go out, be careful. The world thanks you.

Keeping reading!

Detectives at work - Stay at home with the Grand!

On Monday, Dulci came to us for the day.  It was beautiful - a tad breezy - but an awesome day for the playground and so off we went.

These days, we are orphan girls trying hard to stay out of the grips of the evil orphanage - think Annie!.  Sometimes, we are running away from a certain tycoon who sells everything. Dot - as D calls herself - works for A@@@@@ Prime editing videos. (I did NOT make this up.) I, Mary Ann, (not my real name, haha) work in one of the warehouses and it is HARD work.

But on Monday, we did not have to report for work because...nobody actually did, except first responders and medical personnel and support staff and postal workers, etc.

We maintained appropriate social distance from the others on the playground - grandparents and their grands.

Before lunch, we went home, grabbed our notebooks and went out for an adventure walk.  We wrote down everything of interest that we saw, including a pipe sticking out of a clump of grass, daffodils, plastic from a car, we think, grape hyacinths blooming in the middle of a lawn, and a huge pile of sticks stacked next to a tree.  Little did we realize that, much later in the day, these notes would come in handy.

We had other adventures right after lunch.  Then we got to work at our OTHER job as Dulcinator the Investigator and NanaLou, the Gumshoe.

We wait for your call.

We received a (completely fictional) call that pets disappeared from the neighborhood in the last few days.  Who could be responsible?  We floated several theories. But I remembered something from our adventure walk. Why would anyone have a big pile of sticks in front of  their house?

Dogs love to chase sticks!!  We agreed that this was certainly a clue.

D wondered if the pipe she saw could actually be where a laser pointer came out to lure all the cats in the neighborhood to play.

We are - I have no words for how clever we are.  So, now we just had to figure out which one of our favorite criminals may have perpetrated this theft of cats and dogs.

We examined the car of BGR (Big Gray Rabbit) and his crew of "workers", Hog, the Hedgehog and Fiddle-i-Fee, the fiddler and... you will not believe what we found. Plastic strips were missing from the edges of their car doors.

We caught our bad guys as they were loading up another (fictional) puppy into their damaged car.  Within hours, all the pets had returned to their (imaginary) owners.

Dulcinator was proud and happy to tell the last caller.  "We work for free.  Stay out of trouble."  Actually I added the "Stay out of trouble" part.

It's good advice. Stay out of trouble. Keep your distance. Be kind.  Wash your hands, etc.  Dulcinator the Investigator and NanLou the Gumshoe will be here to take your call!  We work for free.

Sunday Selfie - Small Steps

Small steps lead to completed journeys. That's my deep thought for the day.

This past week has been worrisome for all of us. And people in the "at risk" clubs - people with chronic illnesses, already in treatment for disease, immune compromised, medical personnel and, yes, the old - monitor each cough and ache with magnifying glasses and fine tooth combs.

Add losing an hour's sleep last weekend to that - and full moon, etc. superstitious baggage - and we are worn down with worry.

Each morning this week, I woke up feeling cranky and reluctant to engage with the chores of life itself. Where was my handmaiden to offer me juice and golden toast slices as I shrugged off slumber? Could no one free me of the chains of domestic drudgery?

Then yesterday I FORCED myself to do some yoga before I went downstairs. After a total of 8 minutes of stretching my mood improved.  I found some energy and ordered seeds and plants for my garden!  Whoo hoo! Things were looking up.

I took a walk. A walk, I say! Outside in the sunshine, under the trees - a beautiful walk! It might have been the sun that made me abandon my frown.

Fred understood the value of small - teeny-tiny - steps.

I think not. The act of forcing myself to actually take care of myself was the small step to a better day.

I am a Sitter. (If Sitting was an Olympic sport, I would medal in it.) Sitters avoid sports and unneeded physical exertion. Yoga and a walk, all in a single day- for me that is tantamount to climbing a mountain. I am so proud of myself.

For Do-ers, those who exercise every day as a matter of course, a small step to break gloom and worry might include taking time to engage in a hobby or taking time to sit still.

In Happiness in Five Minutes a Day, Vince Chiles, LCSW, encourages people to do five exercises a day: Wake Up Surprised, Take a Break to Re-Energize, Take a Break to be Creative, Learn Something New, and Go to Bed Grateful.  Vince describes how even one minute of a new or different activity can break the cycle of grump and worry.

(Full disclosure here: Vince is my younger brother. But his book's program makes sense and is easy to follow.)

Small steps, everyone. If this world class Sitter can banish worry with a small step, so can you.

PS. I did yoga and walked today, too. I surprise myself!

Words to Avoid when Reviewing Books (A through L)

A 

Amazing - stop using this word - ever.

Awesome - see above.  I use this word to excess.

Addictive  - like addiction is a good thing?

B

Beautiful - that's like calling a book a "book".

Breathtaking - I will keep my breath, thank you.

C

Creative

Captivating

Clever - this one is ok, sometimes, I guess.

D

Delicious - oh, stop it.

Daring

Devastating - honestly?  Isn't life hard enough already?

Delightful - see "Delicious" above.


E

Engaging

Enlightening

Excellent

Educational - gag!!

F

Fabulous

Fantastic

G

Great

Gorgeous - yes, I have seen this word used about a book.

H 

Hilarious

I 
Intriguing 

Interesting - YUCK!.(I use it way too often.)

Illuminating 

Imaginative - well, I HOPE so

J
I pass on J's. If you find a good J adjective, use it. (Jaunty? jazzy? jolly? I'm out of suggestions.)

K 
There are not a lot of K adjectives out there. Knowledgeable should refer to the author, so that one is fine. Avoid Keen. 'Nuff said.

L
LUMINOUS!  I loved it at one time and then it was everywhere. And what does it mean when referred to a book? That you can read it in the dark?
 
Lovely

Luscious - books are not peaches!

Literary - Please enlighten me, someone.


That's all I have.  M through Z will arrive at a later date.  

All the Changes - Weekly Book Report

Love this cover!

Sometimes, it feels like I am just reading the same story over and over - the settings might be different but the main characters' struggles are the same.

These two books are a case in point. The characters struggle with you they are and firmly believe that they are something other than merely human.


Extraordinary Birds by Sandy McGinnis-Stark follows December, an 11-year-old foster child who is convinces that she is not truly human. In an attempt to change her life story, she writes what she wishes her past held and about her hopes for her future.  A new placement shifts her view of her life.
The author includes fascinating facts about birds and animal rehabilitation.

A Monster Like Me by Wendy Swore. Sophie has a noticeable hemangioma, or "blood blister" on the side of her face.  That disfigurement has Sophis convinced that she is not truly human. She carries a book about monsters to help her navigate a world that is filled with danger. The snippets quoted from the Book of Monsters will appeal to fantasy lovers - and to readers who want to hold on to their belief in magic.  Those snippets also contain deep thoughts and sound advice.

And THEN, there are the books that simply tell the truth.

This Promise of Change: On Girl's Story in the Fight for School Equality by Jo Ann Allen Boyce and Debbie Levy. Jo Ann Allen was one of twelve black students to integrate Clinton High School in Clinton, Tennessee in 1956. The first week was quiet and then outside agitators arrived. While the principal of the school, the mayor of Clinton and the governor of Tennessee all upheld the law, perhaps reluctantly, aggression against the students grew. Cross burnings, angry mobs, bullying followed the black teens as they tried to get an equal education. Jo Ann finally tells her story of those events in this memoir written in verse.

Hello, Crochet Friends! Making Art, Being Mindful, Giving Back: Do What Makes You Happy by Jonah Larson, Jennifer Larson, Erin Harris. Jonah is a social media sensation because of his beautiful crochet pieces.  In this colorful picture book, Jonah tells his story, from being an abandoned infant from Ethiopia to being a crochet star in the US. Until his fifth grade teacher suggested he bring his crochet projects to school, Jonah was a problem student. He finished his schoolwork quickly and found ways to get into trouble. Crochet helped him focus. His classmates loved what he made and Jonah's Hands, his business, took flight. Great photos! Great problem solving! Great fifth grade teacher!

It Rained Warm Bread by Gloria Moskowitz-Sweet, Hope Anita Smith, Lea Lyon. At 13, Moishe Moskowitz's life was torn apart by the Nazi invasion of Poland. Moved from camp to camp, he lost his entire family. The title is based on one incident in this story of deprivation, degradation and survival. Gloria Moskowitz-Sweet brings her father's story to life in this small poetic volume. Let us never forget.

Running With Wolves by National Geographic Kids and Jim and Jamie Dutcher. Jim Dutcher, a wildlife photographer and cinematographer, wanted to show the world the intricate lives of wild wolves. This book relates his six year experiment studying a pack of wolves in the Sawtooth Mountains of Idaho. Jamie Dutcher was involved remotely until the last three years. The descriptions of natural settings is stunning. The wolves have distinct personalities and loyalties. Animal lovers, outdoor enthusiasts, photography buffs will find so much to like in this book.

Sunday Selfie - Scrabble

My sister visited with her son this week. He had elbow surgery.  She lives in the Southwest. And when someone who lives in THE Southwest, is visiting someone who is a four hour drive from her Mom, well, that someone drives down with son in tow.

My nephew is a grown man of not yet 30, (I'm not sure how old he is). He works as a cook in a fine restaurant. He can talk knowledgeably and in depth about almost anything in the world and he has the darkest deepest brown eyes. He sports the rich red hair that his mother and several other of my siblings all have - red on the verge of auburn - and all of them have brown eyes of different shades.

His mother is a listener. I called her not long ago and when I got off the phone, my husband asked, "Did you let her talk at all?"

So, this listening sister, our mother, and I played Scrabble.

A cup of tea and the kind of easy chitchat that comes from knowing each other all of our lives was punctuated by the groans from a mix of vowels with no consonants and vice versa.  My listening sister worked on a yarn project. I repeated grand kid stories. Mom let us know about far flung relatives and friends.

We made words, big and small. The score never matters to me. I can never beat Heidi at Scrabble and Mom still holds her own. Seven letter words got applause and clever placement of the biggies (X, Z, Q) brought cheers regardless of who played them.

I missed the Hand and Foot tournament that happened at my Mom's house the next night. Another sister, a niece and another nephew showed up to play. Mom had two decks of cards to the Hand and Foot collection. The cousins talked about music and social media. My sisters shared photos of their pets. They don't have grandchildren - yet.

So, today, with the relatives from afar returned to northern lands and from there to the wilds of the Southwest, I walked over to Mom's and lost at Scrabble, yet again.

Someday, in the far future I hope, I will not be able to play games in my mother's dining room. But until then I plan to play as many games with as many members of my family as possible.

With every tile that we lay down, we spell the same word over and over again. That word is "Love".

Weekly Book Report

May I report about my to read pile first? It's way bigger than the books I have read this week.

My "bedside" pile - the quotes are there because they are not all on my bedside - includes;

This Promise of Change by Jo Ann Allen Levy and Debbie Levy    This is a memoir of one of the students who integrated Clinton high School in Tennessee in 1956. I want to read it but I am afraid of the hurt she will reveal. 

A Monster Like Me by Wendy S. Swore    What kind of monster is Sophie? The hemangioma - or blood tumor - on one side of her face convinces Sophie that she is not quite human.

Normal: One Kid's Extraordinary Journey by Magdalena and Nathaniel Newman   Nathaniel New- man has a cranio facial syndrome that deforms his face. His story is true. 

Extraordinary Birds by Sandy Stark-McGinnis    She is in foster care and she is sure that she is really a bird. She has scars on her back where her wings will surely grow back. Can a new placement help her?

Also, the ARCs that I received today from Candlewick Press and Chronicle Books and the titles I received from Abrams.  I may keep one or two or a few of these titles but most of them will end up in the hands of teachers and librarians who attend this year's KUCLC (Kutztown Unversity Children's Literature Conference) which is coming up on April 18th.

From Chronicle

And the books I read this week??

Caterpillar Summer By Gillian McDunn   Cat and Chicken travel all the way to North Carolina when their summer plans fall through. Their mother must work, so she takes them to her parents who live on an island off the North Carolina shore. Cat worries that Chicken, whose real name is Henry, will not adjust to these grandparents that they have never met.  Chicken is a worry, with his sensitivities to touch and noise and his penchant for running away.  How can Mom leave them both with strangers?
Charming,

Leaving Lymon by Lesa Cline-Ransome    From the time Lymon was very small, people have left him. First, his mother left. Then, his father went to prison. When his grandfather died, Lymon and his grandmother felt truly abandoned. They moved from Mississippi to Milwaukee, then Lymon's mother took him to Chicago. But he belonged nowhere and to no one, except his father, a wandering musician after he was freed.  Set in the same time period that Finding Langston occurred, Cline-Ransome snatches Lymon's character from one small incident in the earlier book and gives Lymon a story, a talent and a quest.

Diary of a 5th Grade Outlaw by Gina Loveless and Andrea Bell    Robin Loxley is the best basketball player at Nottingham Elementary School and right now she is the loneliest. Her "best" friend hasn't spoken to Robin since the Spring. When another fith grader starts "taxing" kids to play on the playground equipment, Robin has something to take her mind off her troubles. She will take the stolen goods from the "Taxer" and give them back to their rightful owners. It's a good plan. She has a new friend to help, Little Joan - the other best basketball player at Nottingham. But it all goes haywire when their principal goes to a conference.
It's a series, in large print and with clever drawings, about normal kids getting into normal trouble. Thumbs up!  AND Gina Loveless will be at the Kutztown University Children's Literature Conference or KUCLC.

I am reading - not finished yet but not waiting in the wings either - Running With Wolves: Our Story of Life with the Sawtooth Pack by Jim and Jamie Dutcher.  Though I haven't met many wolves yet, I enjoy Jim's and Jamie's storytelling styles. They add just the right amount of description to give the reader a feel for the mountain range and pastures without getting bogged down.

 

Little Blue Bunny Update: Part 3 - A-sailing we will go.

Warning: Do NOT try this at home. It is disrespectful to musical instruments. Little Blue Bunnies don't know any better but YOU do!

Little Blue Bunny lay on the floor in front of the fireplace.

“OK.” Franklin said. “We’re downstairs. What’s your best idea yet?”

“I’m looking at it,” Little Blue Bunny stared at the guitar stand.

“Oh come on,” Franklin giggled. “We can’t play the guitar.”

“Not the guitar,” Little Blue Bunny hopped up. “The ukulele. And we’re not going to play it.”

He looked at Franklin and his ears bounced up and down on his head. “We. Are. Going Sailing!”

“NO!” Franklin gasped and then he coughed. “How? What? You can’t..That’s Insane!”

“I know!” Now all of Little Blue Bunny bounced up and down.  “Isn’t that the best idea yet? AND…”

He winked one shiny black eye.

“If we are careful, no one will know anything about it.”

Franklin’s eyes were as big as marbles and considering that Franklin is only 4 inches tale that is very big for his eyes to be.

Franklin drew himself up to his full height -four inches, that’s what I said, but with his ears, Franklin is closer to 4 and one half inches.

He looked at Little Blue Bunny who is not any taller. Then, Franklin said. “It cannot be done. Period. We are too little.”

Little Blue Bunny laughed out loud and then he called out, “Hey Lily! Could you help us.”

Lily the leopard is over two feet tall, very close to THREE feet tall. That is 9 times as tall as Franklin or Little Blue Bunny.  Lily sleeps on the bench in front of the living room window most of the time. That day, she was grooming herself on the sofa when Little Blue Bunny called.

Lily and Little Blue Bunny before they decided to be "just friends".

You might remember that there was a time when Little Blue Bunny and Lily were “an item”. It was not a good match but their friendship is still strong.

So on that day - a day when Nana and Gramps were coughing and sneezing at THEIR house and D was with Mommy in far away South America and Daddy was off at work - on that sunny day in February, Lily looked up and gave a bright toothy smile.

“What is it, my little bunbun?” she purred.

“I want to go sailing!” Little Blue Bunny explained his plan.

Soon, Lily was on the hearth of the fireplace right next to the guitar stand. Little Blue Bunny and Franklin sat on her head. They each pushed up on the ukulele until it lifted off the hooks on the stand.

“Help!” squeaked Little Blue Bunny as the ukulele teetered between his paws and Franklin’s paws.

“Here,” Lily said with a sigh. She opened her mouth and the ukulele fell right in.

“Don’t hurt it!” Franklin croaked. “Don’t bite down.”

Lily could not answer with a small wooden instrument in her mouth but she growled - just a bit - and rolled her golden glass eyes.

The next step was tedious.  Little Blue Bunny used some hair ribbons to make a harness for the ukulele.  He and Franklin were going to pull the ukulele up the stairs.

“Oh really.” Lily snorted. “Give that to me.”

“I don’t want the ukulele swinging from your mouth,” Little Blue Bunny said gently. He had climbed back on Lily’s head and he scratched behind her ears. “If you got excited or something, the ukulele might swing and hit something and..”

“Help!” Franklin covered his eyes with his paws.

“So.” Lily spoke slowly and carefully, “Tie it to my back.”

And that’s what Little Blue Bunny and Franklin did.

The three of them crawled up the stairs to the bathroom tub.  Well, Lily crawled up the stairs with a ukulele and two small bunnies on her back.

Little Blue Bunny slid up to Lily’s shoulder and using the back brush, he managed to push the stopper down AND to turn on the water - the cold water.

“Now what?” Franklin stared as the water slowly filled the tub.

“We wait until it’s deep enough.” Little Blue Bunny said. “Let’s get this boat ready to launch.”

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Franklin sighed.

He helped Little Blue Bunny move the ukulele from Lily’s back to the edge of the tub. Then holding the hair ribbons, the two bunnies gently lowered the small guitar into the tub.

“Lily, could you hold the mooring ropes for us?” Little Blue Bunny asked.

Lily took the hair ribbons in her mouth to keep the ukulele next to the tub’s side.


“Come on, First Mate Franklin,” Little Blue Bunny lowered himself on to the ukulele.

“Here goes nothing.” Franklin muttered and he joined his friend in the hole of the ukulele.

The strings plucked and plunked and Lily let go of the ribbons.  Water poured from the faucet as the bunnies floated in their pink “boat”.

“Isn’t this great?” Little Blue Bunny climbed out of the hole and stood on the deck.

“How do we steer?” Franklin asked.

Little Blue Bunny did not answer. He whistled a sailor song as he walked around the ukulele.

“Steer?” Franklin shouted.

While Little Blue Bunny pretended to be a ship’s captain, Franklin realized that their boat was twirling closer and closer to the roaring faucet.

“Help!” Franklin shouted.

Lily grabbed the back brush and slammed it down on the faucet. Hot water poured into the tub.

“Give me that,” Franklin yelled.

He grabbed the back brush and shoved it under the hot water faucet until that faucet closed and then he did the same with the cold water faucet.

The ukulele rocked back and forth and water sloshed into the hole.

“Grab on to this, please,” Franklin held the back brush out to Lily. She grabbed it in her mouth and pulled the ukulele to the side of the tub.

The water was so high that Franklin only had to give a little hop to reach the rim of the tub.

“Come on, Captain Little Blue Bunny,” Franklin pulled his best friend up off the ukulele. Little Blue Bunny grabbed the hair ribbons as he jumped to the rim.

“That was awesome.” Little Blue Bunny laughed. “Actually, Franklin, now that the faucet isn’t on, we could sail around the tub all day.”

Not a ukulele, but I bet Little Blue Bunny would LOVE this boat.

Franklin had already jumped to the floor and was tugging on a towel hanging from the door handle.

“Sorry,” Franklin grunted as he shoved and pulled and kicked the towel over to the tub. “I quit. I think I get sea sick.”

“But it worked, right?” Little Blue Bunny was still as happy as a seafaring bunny could be.

“Yes, it did, Little Blue Bunny.” Franklin looked up and he just had to smile at his friend. “The next time we go sailing, though, let’s turn the faucet off before we get in the boat.”

“Good idea!,” Little Blue Bunny grabbed on one end of the ribbons and he and Lilly lifted the ukulele out of the water and lowered it gently onto the waiting towel.


“And,” Little Blue Bunny continued. “We’ll bring paddles or something next time.”

Lily gave a deep laugh. “Maybe you could actually use a boat next time. If there IS a next time.”

Little Blue Bunny and Franklin dried that ukulele inside and out.  Then the two bunnies tied the ukulele around Lily’s neck again.

“Hold it against your tummy,” Little Blue Bunny suggested. “We’ll slide down the stairs.”

“What about the water in the tub?” Lily asked.

“Oh, that, “Little Blue Bunny pinched his nose and jumped into the tub. He swam to the plug and pulled it up.

He swam to the edge of the tub.

“Give me something to grab onto,” he gasped. He forgot that the draining water could pull him down. He felt the water tugging at his legs and tail.

“Thnss guns fff thi bruh,” Lily held the back brush in her mouth and Little Blue Bunny grabbed it.

Lilly flipped him onto the towel.

“What did you say?” Little Blue rolled around on the towel to dry off.

“I said, ‘Thank goodness for this brush.” Lily dropped the brush on the floor.

The bunnies tied the dried-off ukulele around Lily’s neck and she tucked it under her chin.  Then the bunnies sat between Lily’s ears as she slid down the stairs.

They managed to return the ukulele to its perch on the guitar stand.  Then, Lily went back to the bench by the window as the afternoon sun poured in.

Franklin and Little Blue Bunny lay on the rug by the fireplace.

“Um, Franklin,” Little Blue Bunny said lazily. “Should we go back upstairs to put the towel back on the doorknob?”

Franklin opened one eye and looked at Little Blue Bunny. “You have to be kidding.”

Then, he closed his eyes again and started to snore.

Little Blue Bunny wasn’t quite ready to go to sleep. He watched the late afternoon sunlight as it striped the floor and wondered what the next day would bring. Adventure, that was for sure!

Sunday Selfie- 44 years ago this week

Around this time of year, 44 years ago, I sat down in the recliner at my mother’s house and couldn’t get back up. My stomach was a beach ball, and as my husband pulled me up, I said, “This is the first time I really want this baby to come.”

I enjoyed being pregnant all the way up to that night. I enjoyed his kicking and his growing. I enjoyed it all.

I still had about 2 weeks to go on that particular night. But, he must have heard me because within days he arrived.

This week, our son, our only child, will turn 44.

Having him was such a joy, my husband and I wanted to have another child. Our son was handsome and smart and funny and all the things a child should be. He also sulked and threw tantrums and got stubborn in all the ways that children usually do those things.

We wanted another child. A lot.

We wanted our son to have someone he could share vacations with, someone he could roll his eyes with at the dinner table when we sounded off or told awful jokes. We wanted him to know that he had someone besides us who would always have his back.

I grew up with brothers and sisters and it was a mess - but I loved it. My husband was an only child. He hoped that our son would have a bigger family.

For years, I grieved. I lost a few pregnancies. When cancer took my uterus, right as menopause was setting in, I mourned loudly and long.

What a waste of my time and emotional energy that was! What message did that send to our son, I wonder.

I HAD a child. He was just right. He was smart, and kind, friendly, funny. He let me read to him at night time for years and years.

When we did not get along - in his high school years, - I remember telling him this. “No matter what you do, no matter where you end up, having you was and always will be the best thing I have ever done.”

It was true then. It is true now. It will always be true.

I wish I had spent more time realizing that I had everything I wanted in our small family - a loving husband, a charming child, a crazy dog.  Who could ask for more?

Me.  Selfish, silly me.

As we approach the 44th anniversary of me becoming a mama and Bill becoming a Dad, and, of course, Andrei’s 44th birthday, I feel grateful, melancholy, joyful, and old.

Thank you, God, for the gift you gave me 44 years ago. Forgive me for wanting more. He is just right. Exactly what I always wanted.

I love you, son.